I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
if only i could text you this smell
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
