I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
