I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im six kinds of drunk right now
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
