So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
