that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
