just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
