There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
