Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
