When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
