It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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