I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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