there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
