the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
