Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
