I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
