it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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