Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
