Sponge bath it is.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
