I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
