All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
