just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
