My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Randomize
