If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
