so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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