I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
