I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
