What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
