The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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