I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
