i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The beer is more important than you right now.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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