Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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