I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
