Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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