he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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