how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
