Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
