My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
