The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
