If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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