As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
