I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
