Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You're a waste of cheezeits
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Randomize
