She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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