I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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