So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
