the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
