Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
