honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
