he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
