last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
